You're so nebulous sometimes
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
