He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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