Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
