her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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