The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
