when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
