Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
