If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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