She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
