so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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