It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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