He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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