God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
