Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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