Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
