you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
