I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
