Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
