I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
