Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
