New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
