just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
