I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can't turn off my feet"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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