you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
