drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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