even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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