When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
