My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
