Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
