genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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