after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I forget how to act sober
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