Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
