Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
