I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
