When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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