Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
