I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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