I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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