apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
