peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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