I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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