I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize