Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
