so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
