if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
