Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
