When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
