If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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