I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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