I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
