eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
