omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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