you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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