respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
