My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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