im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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