i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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