Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
