Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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