OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
