The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Randomize
