They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
