I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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