Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
They took my balls.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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