just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
