I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i was born a porn star she said
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
