I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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