its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
