Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
