shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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